Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
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Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
barbara was highly relatable
finally found a reasonable question