I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
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What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.