FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
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the noise i just made
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Oh my God.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up