“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
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Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.