My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
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Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.