I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
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I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*