if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
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the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
😂😂
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.