Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
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restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*