in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
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I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.