Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
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[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
marvel comics have peaked
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.