*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
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Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
smartest karate player in the world
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.