adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
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A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
My love language is hissing.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
My wedding will be open casket.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Danger is very dangerous
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”