told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
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[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.