Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
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6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”