What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
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You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs