My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
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So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”