Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
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Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Not all heroes wear capes…
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.