Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
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Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.