Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
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I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open