Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
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I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
I’m listening
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
I like long walks away from everyone
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…