I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
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Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons