Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
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*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Me irl
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.