Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
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Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
i dont have time for this
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
If I ignore life will it go away?
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola