I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
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Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Mountain Goat : )
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.