hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
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Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.