If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
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sigh
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
wow
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction