Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
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deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.