Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
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Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
The future is now.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”