You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
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Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?