2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
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I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
forgive me baja for i have blast
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.