I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
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Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive