Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
You Might Also Like
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Meow?
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*