[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
You Might Also Like
Last-minute gift idea!
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered