I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
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Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”