Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
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Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you