My patronus is a cheeseburger
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I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-