Memoirs of a Fish Stick
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I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Extremely relatable.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.