Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
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What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”