This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
You Might Also Like
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Always the camel, never the toe.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
a lot to unpack here
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!