alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
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Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
When they try to steal your moment.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.