I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
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Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Ah..makes sense now
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else