It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
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It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa