Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
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“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
i smell a pulitzer
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.