At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
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[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.