*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
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Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
A French press is when you hug naked
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.