been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
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Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥