[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
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if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed