Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
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bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
whatcha thinkin bout
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*