One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
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Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.