I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
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Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup